Once upon a time, the sentence "Everybody and their mom is on Facebook!" would have been gross hyperbole for the fact that the social networking site started allowing non-Ivy Leaguers to sign up. Now, everybody. And. Their. Mom. Is. On. Facebook. Yes, even your mom, who's probably not as tech-savvy as my very tech-savvy mom, who's also on Facebook. Many people find this annoying.
I don't. I'm enough of an overly judgmental snob in my real daily life; being on all-encompassing social networks allows me to briefly consider the feelings of people I dislike before going back to sheer ambivalence. So no, it's not the problem of the seething masses that I dislike about Facebook. Oh no, why pick that when there are so many more things to hate?
10. The "People You May Know" feature
Look! It's Tim, the creep from my freshman year biology class who put me on the spot after the lab one day and asked if I wanted to go get Chipotle in front of everybody and then didn't stop IM'ing me for a whole year! And Kara! Hi, Kara! I do know you, because you made fun of the fact that I had rip-off Doc Martens sandals in the 7th grade and somehow used this fact to convince everyone on on the volleyball B-team that I was a lesbian! HI KARA!!! OMG. MEMORIES
9. TMI
You haven't lived until you've read this status update on your News Feed: "Paul is excited because his wife is dilated to 9 cm!!! WHAT A BLESSING!"
8. Photos of your baby
Here is a serious, serious tip for all my twenty-something Facebook friends who are giving birth: nobody except for your blood relatives and the poor schmucks you talked into being in your wedding has any interest in seeing 790 photos of your brand new naked rat. Unless someone has asked to see a photo of your baby, don't upload all 790 into your photo album and clog up my nice, baby-free News Feed. I know you don't want to believe this, but people give birth every single day, and what you have done is create a miracle of poor judgment, not a miracle of life. Once your child becomes old enough to wear ridiculous clothing and make funny faces, we may lift this rule, but only in moderation.
7. Mob Wars
Somebody want to tell me what this game is about? I get about 12,293,305 invites every day and I do not want to join! Yes, I was sure when I turned down your request four months ago, and I was sure when I turned it down three weeks ago, and I am still sure I don't want to join Mob Wars today. And don't even get me started on Lil' Green Patch. Virtual violence sounds a lot more fun than virtually being in the AARP.
6. "It's Complicated"
If your relationship is so damned complicated that you have to identify it as such on your Facebook profile, get the hell off Facebook and go fix your relationship.
5. You, losing your phone
I'm sorry you dropped your phone in the sports bar toilet while you were hammered off your ass rooting for whatever cretin-stocked football team you favor. How's about you send a nice e-mail around to your friends and ask them for their numbers? Maybe send everyone an IM? Maybe get your mutual friends to ask around? Maybe do anything but start a Facebook group called "OMG I LOST MAH PHONE AGIN HAHAHALOLZ NEED UR NUMBERZ!" I may not have even been in your phone before, and I sure am glad you can't get a hold of me now.
4. The Scrabulous debacle
This is one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Time was, Scrabulous was a great way to kill time on the Internet by playing a word game that might actually make you more intelligent. But Mattel got its Barbie-sized panties in a wad and screwed/sued the Scrabulous developers for copyright violation. The new, official Scrabble and rip-off Wordscraper are poor substitutes for the glory that was Scrabulous. R.I.P.
3. It's like Hotel California ...
... you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Earlier this year, the New York Times explored just how hard it is to get off the site. Even once your account is deleted, Facebook hangs on to your info. Beer Pongathon '06 lives on forever, bros.
2. High school kids
Facebook is like sex and drinking. Yes, you can do it as a high schooler, but that doesn't mean you should. Keep your youthful anonymity to yourselves, dear children! Embrace your perceived innocence by waiting until you're safely away in Generic Dorm to post pukey-drinky photos of yourselves and your friends.
1. Finding out people I barely know but otherwise like are Republicans
There's a reason it's impolite to talk about politics in casual conversation. People get angry, people get hurt and somebody ends up making a tacky abortion joke. Facebook is a massive, hundreds-of-persons casual conversation littered with tiny political jabs and fights. I realize my right to argue against Sarah Palin's shameful anti-women policies in every single one of my status updates is tied to your right to broadcast your unwavering disbelief in man-caused global warming. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
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